It was because I thought they would judge me about this: "How can someone in the healing, mind/body field get cancer? They must be a fake!" It was all my own perception of me being hard on myself and I was projecting that onto what I thought people would think about me.
As I studied about cancer more and more I realized that everything I had been guided to actually was there to help me with how cancer happens and also to help me through the journey.
Everything. Everything I had been being guided to all along.
Most of the time I had listened.
First was being guided to practice yoga in 1997 for my own stress relief. Haven't stopped since.
Then the guidance included having a boyfriend years ago who gently guided me into trying to eat better. I had been raised on sugar, soda, junk food and fast food. I was still addicted to it when he and I started dating. I began that process slowly and it took me another 10 years to shift those addictive habits. It was not an easy process, believe me.
Then in 2000 being guided to becoming a massage therapist which put me literally hands-on into understanding pain relief, stress reduction and trauma in the body/mind.
Which had me face my own sexual molestation issues in my body/mind.
After this in 2001 was guided to become a yoga teacher to teach others about pain relief, stress reduction in the body/mind. I was also really teaching this to myself over and over again.
These journeys taught me about body/mind introspection and brought me deeper and deeper into the body/mind. I was absolutely in love with where I had been guided in learning about how amazing the body/mind is and what wonderful creations we are all the way down to the tiniest atom we are made of.
Little did I know what was coming for me.
Breaking Down To Building Up
My cancer diagnosis came and I knew I would need to rely on all that I had already been guided to get me through.
The picture to the left is of me in Hawaii a few months before my diagnosis in 2012. I weighed a 104 lbs.
My body had been experiencing cachexia, a process that the happens in some people with cancer where the body breaks itself down to feed the tumor. I didn't even realize I was so thin.
Even after I was diagnosed and people said to me, "oh yes you are so thin". But had never said anything about my weight before.
The shame was there. Was I fake and a fraud? I remember thinking I meditated regularly, did yoga, studied mind/body medicine and pretty much cut all the yuck food and drink out of my life. Why me?
I had surgery to remove the tumor. And that was it. My weight started to come back. I knew surgery doesn't "cure" cancer. My journey with cancer was not over.
I wanted to know why I had developed cancer. I really wanted to know.
Through my introspection and asking, God and the angels answered me. It has taken a great amount of courage to dive within myself this way.
I once again got guided to understand the deeper the process of cancer healing. Everything I had learned before was preparing for what I was going to learn.
I realized it's layers that we peel off if we want to. Whether it be cancer or some other dis-ease or just the process of finding peace of mind within. I was peeling them off.
Or rather they were being peeled off of me because God and my angels wouldn't let me see anything else but inner healing.
I was guided to a naturopath in helping me detox and fill my body, my cells with excellent nutrition. I had known about cellular detoxing and nutrition before this and had taken some things I thought would help me. They hadn't really worked well because when I began on his regimen, I was fully aware that I was being detoxed and my cells truly fed what they needed to thrive. I was being cleansed on the inside of my cells and outside of my cells.
I also began natural treatment for cancer( I still had it) with something called Ora-sal and an autoimmune treatment called Autoimmune X, which have both been amazing.
My heart and soul went into studying and understanding what my doctor was giving me and why. I want to really understand what was happening and why I was being given those treatments.
It all made more and more sense to me.
I started to feel more incredible than I had in my entire life. For me that was huge because I had to face how truly tired my body/mind had been for so long. And I had just compensated and pushed it away in my awareness.
I was also realizing if I had done that with my level of awareness than I knew many of my clients and people around me were doing it too.
I was also becoming fully aware that cancer is way more than many people understand or want to understand. You see, I wanted to understand. It was a deeper level of my passion with mind/body medicine and I had to be doing it with my own cancer journey.
And it started to happen inside of me. The fog of dis-ease was finally becoming more clear.
I was releasing more guilt and shame of the diagnosis by having been shown through this doctor that my cancer had been growing in me for years, way before I began all the healthy stuff.
Because the process before the cancer was that my body had already been experiencing dis-ease for a long time before the tumor even developed.
In addition, unbeknownst to me before the diagnosis was that God and my angels had been guiding me to all these healing modalities. It was as if they knew before I did and they were helping me along. I had been listening all along!
This was to help me heal but also to help me see what it takes for other people to heal.
Peeling Back More Layers For Healing
As I began that journey I had years and years of healing stress and trauma and self limiting beliefs being cleared up in my subconscious mind. Things that meditation, yoga and therapy never even touched. It has been amazing.
The final step(I think, ha ha) in my releasing my guilt and shame was through my naturopath again and learning that my immune system and digestive system had been deficient since I was born.
I wasn't breast fed(colostrum in mother's breast milk builds the child digestive and immune system) or given healthy nutrition as an infant coupled with vaccinations(they are very toxic) mercury in my teeth and antibiotics. This made it hard to build a healthy gut which is our first line of health and defense in the body.
There has been a grief process through all of this for me because I realized I did lose alot of my life and memory from being ill for so long and not really realizing it.
Concurrent with that has been an amazing gratitude that somehow I was able to listen to the guidance given to me and be feeling the healthiest I have in my whole life.
Part of the grief and then release of shame was knowing that my immune system and digestive didn't have as much of a chance to be strong like a lot of other infants. I was a bit behind from the start.
But boy do I have strong spirit. It's one reason why I am still here and able to write this.
When I realized that my whole life made sense. From being so ill as a child and in fact my whole life. It didn't help that I ate unhealthy for so long. Who knew. My parents certainly didn't. We don't teach this stuff in schools. At least not the schools I went and my parents went to.
Now as I take immune building treatments(including colostrum) to truly build my immune system and digestive system back to full health, I am realizing how blessed I have been to understand this about cancer and my health. I am also realizing what a blessing it is for me to be alive.
My body/mind has been fighting my whole life to stay alive and now it's finally starting to realize it can rest. I also had some supernatural help in my fight to stay alive and keeping me alive and I am in deep gratitude for that.
If my body had been going through that for so long, I knew other people's body/mind's have as well. This opened up a new place of understanding and compassion in me for helping others on their own health journeys.
Maybe there are people who develop cancer who have begun their lives with healthy immune systems and digestive systems. And through some super unhealthy habits they cause their toxicity and deficiency and the cancer just takes over. My cancer journey was different.
Deeper Massage Of Awareness
The clarity that I have now is that there really isn't anything to be ashamed of. I know I was doing the best I could with the information I had and with what my body/mind was able to do.
Just like everyone else is doing
People come to see me for massage, yoga, life coaching and they want help in their health journey's whether it be to relax, de-stress or peel back the layers. Sometimes I have to massage them into deeper awareness into themselves about health and healing in their body/mind.
Some people might even have cancer and not even know it yet. Just like I did. Or just dis-ease in general.
There are many processes that go into holistic healing of dis-ease. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.
So my journey is invaluable in helping them on theirs. They may or may not take the same path as I have, but I can help in the way I can see and understand the many layers of healing. Teaching inner listening and intuition to others is part of the journey too. It is that inner listening and intuition that has me alive writing this blog.
Learning what I have learned has proven invaluable in helping the people I work with become more introspective and disciplined in their body/mind health. That is for the one's who really want to do that.
Some don't and that's okay.
Part of my clarity is to trust the process of who is coming into my office and for what.
Are they there for simply a relaxing massage or are they wanting to do deeper work within themselves on the mental/emotional, spiritual levels?
Either way, my healing journey has given me tools, insights, revelations and techniques to help others wherever they are on their journeys. A field training so to speak.
From cachexia to clarity a health journey from inner fog to inner shine.
There are some spiritual communities that say our soul chooses our journey before we come here to learn lessons for helping others. If that's true I sure did pick a doozy because it's been a wild ride.
Peace and Blessings,